


loving you is a losing game

by newoopsy



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Author can’t Write, Break Up, Description Heavy, I don’t know what compelled me to write this, M/M, Post-Break Up, im sorry for writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:42:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newoopsy/pseuds/newoopsy
Summary: chanhee wonders why younghoon broke up with him
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon
Kudos: 19





	loving you is a losing game

**Author's Note:**

> title from arcade by duncan laurence 
> 
> this is my first fic ever, please be gentle.

chanhee stares at the wall. the duvet under his fingers is cold. the bedroom looks emptier than it has in years, but in his mind, he can make out what it once looked like. 

younghoon had picked up the last box today; random decor items he’d accumulated over the years, some last books, cds and pictures. they hadn’t spoken much, and chanhee had stayed in the kitchen most of the time, trying to stay out of his way. their conversation was limited to polite greetings and empty goodbyes. 

now chanhee stares at their bedroom. _his_ bedroom. now, it’s only his bedroom. it’s only his bed. it’s only his life, now. younghoon had texted him briefly, to plan when it would work for chanhee to pick up his stuff. chanhee looks through the messages, scrolls through them. reads his life in reverse. back to when they first started dating. 

it all feels so terribly empty. not just the apartment (although that too) but his heart, his mind. it’s been around two weeks since younghoon left, and chanhee does not get used to the bed being a size too big or degrees to cold, now that there isn’t another person there to warm it. 

“you had to have know it would end like this, chanhee.” 

younghoon’s voice rings in his ears. 

“it doesn’t have to.”

his own responds is weak. 

“it’s not going to work.”

“it could” chanhee can hear himself sob. “if you would just _try._ ”

still, now, chanhee is unsure why they broke up. why younghoon would just give up on them like this. they were that couple other people were jealous of. they completed each other. with younghoon, chanhee never had to worry. he always knew there would be someone to catch him when he fell, to laugh at his jokes. there would always be someone there for him. now, he’s loosing his balance without his support. 

chanhee continues the life he now is forced to live without younghoon for two more weeks. everyday is a search for why younghoon left him. he goes to work, and comes home, and he wonders what he did wrong. he starts to hate himself, just a little bit. for not being able to see it coming, for not being able to keep younghoon with him. he is himself to blame for his current loneliness. 

two weeks pass, and then chanhee caves in and texts younghoon. he pretends to himself that two weeks is enough time, that enough distance has been placed between them. when in reality, chanhee still keeps two glasses by his mirror for two toothbrushes, and still sleeps on one side of the bed to make space for one more person. he pretends that enough space is between them, and texts younghoon. 

ch: why did you break up with me  
ch: ?

the text goes through, and chanhee stares at his phone. almost instantaneously, he gets a reply. 

yh: why did it take you this long to ask?

ch: i just want closure ? or something 

yh: closure? 

ch: yeah  
ch: why did you break up? what did i do? 

yh: nothing  
yh: you didn’t do anything 

ch: then why

this time, younghoon takes a long time to answer. chanhee’s head starts hurting from staring at his screen, and he put it down on the table. not even a second pass, and his phone dings. 

yh: that was the whole problem  
yh: you didn’t do anything 

ch: i don’t understand  
ch: ?? 

yh: do you wanna meet up maybe 

chanhee feels his heart stop in his chest. he’s in the middle of typing out a resounding yes, when another message comes in.

yh: or maybe just call 

chanhee deletes the things he typed out, and agrees to call. 

“hello? younghoon?” 

“chanhee” his voice, chanhee wants to cry from just hearing his voice. 

“what -“ 

“you never loved me.” younghoons words cut through his question. they cut through everything, and chanhee stays silent. 

“hello? chanhee?” 

chanhee doesn’t realize he’s crying until his voice breaks, trying to form a sentence. frustration bubbles up in his throat. 

“i did” 

younghoon sighs, and it sounds like he’s laughing, but it’s a sad laugh, and chanhee wants to cry even more. 

“maybe you did once. but haven’t loved me like i love you in a long time. you like being with me because i’m, i don’t know, safe, or something. because it’s always been us. but not because of anything i am. or anything you feel.” 

“that’s not true. i love you” 

“you don’t. but it’s okay.” 

chanhee thinks about throwing his phone away. or just straight up throwing up. 

“younghoon, i miss you.” 

“you miss someone living in your apartment, you miss someone who laughs at your jokes and sleep next to you in bed. what do you miss about me that doesn’t circle back to you in the end?”

chanhee hesitates, and that is all the confirmation younghoon needs. 

“i don’t think you’re a bad person, just because you don’t love me, chanhee.” 

it’s a sad, short goodbye, and then chanhee is left alone in the quiet of his kitchen. everything looks different around him, even though it’s the apartment he’s lived in for years now. things are missing, his life is missing. younghoon is missing. 

chanhee thinks, far back in his mind, that younghoon might be right. because all the things he is noticing, is that someone is missing, and that things are different. not that younghoon was unhappy or that he could’ve fixed anything. he knows - and it makes him sick to realize it - that the only thing he misses is not being alone. he knows he’s lost something, but it wasn’t younghoon he lost, because he never had him to begin with.

**Author's Note:**

> this was vague and annoying i’m sorry 
> 
> if you find language mistakes i apologize i don’t speak english 
> 
> my twitter is newoopsy if you want to see me talk about chanhee on the daily


End file.
